Tags
addict, addiction, behavioral health, coping skills, mental health, recovery, reflection, self-reflection, shame, sobriety, stigma
It has been over a month since my last post. It is not that I haven’t had constant dialogue still running through my head. I have. I guess I have been busy returning to a more stable life and also (perhaps a bit excessively) busy with activities which have not left much down time to write.
I have noticed some new and mixed feelings just in the past two weeks, that oscillate between really enjoying where I am now, and yet an odd sense of shame, stigma and regret. I have had an upward, and inner, sense of pleasure of a newly sober life, and of an improved state of my moods which have been a lot more stable as of lately. At other times I also have had interspersed pangs of shame and regret, usually triggered by recent social situations-meeting new people, feeling as if I have to hide my true self and my recovery status for the sake of myself and/or my child, feeling more than different than I usually feel, and realizing what a bad friend that I have been over the past years.
Hearing news of successes, babies, and exotic vacations from those from my past, who also include exes,has added to a retrospective guilt pile that I have been accruing and attempting to bury. There is also some jealousy. Some fleeting self pity as well. Why could not my life have taken a different path, and why do I have to miss out on some of their lives blessings? The answer is that their paths and their lives are not mine, and I know this.
I know that I should not let other’s people’s successes cause envy or even self-degradation. Yet, it is my newly found recovery and clarity that are also creating these moments of reflection. I innately know that my self-worth is not vested in other’s lives nor their views of me.
I also know that I am not the only one who has an ego playing mind games about these exact issues. I am assuming it is a part of the growing pains of recovery for some of us. I am still processing the present and now my past along with reshaping what I would like my future to look like. This just happens to be one of those difficult times where the three intersect.
newrecoverymom 